right now

to late at night
sleepless and useless
yesterday was a significant day
but no longer mine to acknowledge.

so right now
I am on the edge of the end of the day
this today is still my yesterday
stretching wearily into the sleepless night.

Her clock tics
I know not how
and mine is fast approaching
It is only the rhythm of my longing for her still.

The death of us is sinking so slowly into me
and the now is impossible to savage
I am broken here in this broken place
only attracting brokenness to me.

I am trying to let go
but my body hurts
and all that i do seems to accomplish nothing
I still keep crying from time to time.

like
right now.

Three more days from now.

Every day just rolls by
and the night never ends
when its February
and the lights not coming in
and once again now
like some recurring bad bad dream
I am sitting here alone again
thinking bout what has been

and I still miss you
though maybe your fading away
and I still feel like I died inside
and I have nothing good to say

and I still think that this all wrong
that reality is making mistakes
and I really have to get my shit together
and stop being one of those flakes

I really really need to meet somebody
who might dig me and then make me feel good

its only three days left until your birthday
and I am making mix tapes in my mind
there is still the thinnest bridge that goes between us
but nature just isn't that kind.

I am still puzzled by the shape of reality
and the place I am right now
February sure seems to take forever

no way to make this better.

There may be no way to ever make this all better again.

I need someone who is better than you
and you were as good as it gets.

I need someone who I can look at
and say
there is no one more beautiful
not ever or today.

I need someone whose kiss
will fit right into my mouth
and someone who can understand
that if she makes me happy
I will shed sweet and sour tears
that are still for you.

I need someone to remove you from my thoughts
and from my soul.

I am only just going through the motions
of a life now.

eating and working and sleeping like crap.
I wish I could hate you.
I wish I could believe that any other love,
that any other woman, could ever
make up for losing you.

she is my blood.

I wake up again this morning
and you are the first thing on my mind.
i must have been dreaming about you

oh you are one of a kind.

I don't know how I will ever
find another lover like you
I don't see who could ever please
and make me forget about losing you.

I know that somehow the days will get warmer
and the grass will start to grow
I know there will be thunder and lightening
and that everything will start to flow

but in my heart the snow remains
and february never ends
you are my only sunshine
everything on you depends.

Really what I really want
is to just stop thinking about you.

and really what I really need
is to not feel the sound of your voice
right up against me

to not feel the way that
you displace the air

to not see your face
like a ghost in my mind

please don't you really think.
that you could do that for me.

I have been trying very hard
to inhale deeply and breath a sigh

I have been trying very hard
to let go of this pain
that only makes me want to die.

you are so sweet
you always have a tender word
but its only i'm sorry
I know you know how that feels.

Where i am these days
it really seems so absurd
this not having you now
it just doesn't seem real.

I keep trying
to believe in another kiss
and I keep on trying
but so far it isn't sincere

and i really need
to be brave about this
but all I can do
is to give in to fear.

all I really really want
is to just sit here
with my head down in my hands
feeling so damn down.